Different strokes for different folks

Tolstoy maybe was onto something when he said, in Anna Karenina, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” In writing down these thoughts about marriage, I’m trying to touch on more universal principles, not exceptions. But there’s a “but.”

If there are goals that every successful marriage should strive for, the ideal way to implement them in your marriage probably is not how they will work for someone else. A few examples will make my point. Every couple needs to communicate. But for some, it has to be now, and for others it’s best to wait until both are calm. Everyone has to be generous. For some that means getting out of the way of your spouse when they’re upset and for others it means telling them jokes. So if you don’t like one of the claims or suggestions in these chapters, maybe it doesn’t apply to you. Try to winkle out the underlying universal principle behind what I’m saying, and then consider how to adapt that to your and your spouse’s personalities and preferences.

Warning

There are marriages for which these suggestions are not going to work. If your spouse is a sociopath, for instance, kindness is not going to be reciprocated, and you need more help than I can provide here. For a less extreme example, it’s easier to change before you fall into a rut, so you’ll probably make more headway if you’re reading these words before or shortly after your wedding than if you’ve been married for decades.

The idea that different couples have different needs, extends to each of you, too. The two of you very likely share similar needs, but want them supplied in different packages. This means that the Golden Rule—do unto others as you would be done by—probably applies to the big needs, like love or patience, but it’s not a reliable guide as to how you will want to meet that need for your spouse. As an example, telling silly jokes help me cope with pain or stress. Unfortunately, humor drives my wife up the wall when she’s under stress. Sadly, of course, often we’re both exposed to the same stressor at the same time, so what I think will be great isn’t for her. Conversely, she likes to solve problems and make assignments to alleviate stress, and that’s definitely not what I want under pressure. It took us both some time to learn two lessions. One, that doing what we would want done for us wasn’t always helpful to our spouse. Two, we had to learn what our partner needed, especially at difficult moments, and then we had to remember to provide that under stress. We’re still working on it.

The book The Five Love Languages isn’t for everyone, but it has helped people talk about this issue [2]. The general idea is, some people feel loved when they receive a gift, others when they are given time, others with a hug, and so on. Figure out if your spouse is more likely to feel loved if you hand over a box of chocolates, or if you clean the bath. Different strokes.