Love is a verb#
Our language, or our society, is weird. We have two expressions, “falling in love” and “loving someone” that, despite sharing a verb, really have surprisingly little to do with each other. See, “I fell in love” sounds like an accident, while “I love her” uses an active verb. The difference is important.
Anybody can fall in love. It’s an exciting experience, and the phrase “we fell in love” carries a sense of inevitability. We were meant for each other! We are perfect together! We want to stay together forever! The problem is, anybody can fall in love, … but anybody can also fall out of love. That happens every day, and we’ve all seen it. It turns out that “being in love” is an exciting way to start a relationship, but one can’t depend on it to sustain a marriage.
Loving your spouse, by contrast, is an active choice. One chooses to show love, whether or not one is “in love.” We understand this concept more intuitively when we’re thinking outside the realm of romantic love. Think of a mother’s love for a baby. Think of a man’s love for his siblings. Neither is “in love,” yet either would sacrifice for those they love.
Hint
Anybody can fall in love … or fall out of love. By contrast, loving your spouse is an active choice.
The 1968 movie Yours, Mine and Ours with Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda gives a useful example of what love, the verb, can look like. The 19-ish-year-old daughter of the family has fallen for a guy who her father has been trying to tell her is trouble. How can that be? she wonders. We’re in love! Then near the end of the movie, there’s a chaotic scene in which everyone in this huge family is running around trying to get their pregnant mom to the hospital to deliver the newest addition to the family. The daughter asks her dad how she can know if what she and her boyfriend have is true love. (The boyfriend has been telling her the age-old story that if you’re in love, you should be having sex, and that all the other girls understand that.) The dad fortunately realizes she needs his attention right now for the 30 seconds or so that he can spare. He says, “this is what it’s all about.” (He gestures at the chaos all around them.) “If you want to know what love really is, take a look around you. … Life isn’t a love-in, it’s the dishes and the orthodontist and the shoe repairman and ground round instead of roast beef. And I’ll tell you something else: it isn’t going to a bed with a man that proves you’re in love with him; it’s getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts.” She looks around and finally gets it, and when the boyfriend shows up, she surprises him by telling him to get lost.
For me, 30-odd years ago, I knew things were serious with my girlfriend (and future wife) when I realized I didn’t just want to share fun dates and kisses with her, I was happy to wash her dishes. So when people tell me, “we don’t love each other anymore,” I am sorely tempted to ask, “why did you decide to stop loving each other?” It’s a choice.
How do you foster that kind of love? Well, honestly, partly you just decide to do it. (See the first chapter, “Yagottawanna.”) I mean, look, you don’t pick your parents. You don’t pick your siblings. You don’t pick your children. But you’re supposed to love them. Ditto with your spouse. Here at least you presumably picked them, so you should be ahead of the game. So decide that whether you feel in love or not, you’re going to love your spouse. Think of what they need.
OK, say you’ve decided to keep loving your spouse. How do you make it enjoyable instead of miserable? Here are a few ideas. Find out what you like doing together, and do it. Put in the effort every week to spend time alone together. One of my local church leaders once strongly advised me and a roomful of other men that we needed to plan a date with our wives every week. It didn’t have to cost money if we didn’t have it; it could be as simple as a walk around the block, or dancing in the living room, or shooting hoops together—whatever we both liked. I’m not saying every couple needs a weekly date, but I definitely recommend it for your serious consideration. Also, pick a good time to talk about concerns together. And finally, make an effort to perform the little acts of flirtation, love and kindness that probably accompanied your early dating.