Fight fair#
“What?” you’re thinking. “Why in the world are you telling us to fight?” I’m not talking about throwing punches, I’m just talking about what to do when you disagree … and, I hate to break it to you, but you’re going to disagree sometimes. In fact, if you never, ever disagree, it’s possible that you have a wonderful alignment of desires and interests, but it’s more likely that at least one of you is just going along with the other no matter how much you hate it. Sure, both of you have to give in sometimes, but always being the one to give in is not a viable long-term strategy. You’ll just end up metaphorically stuffing the frustration into a pocket inside you until one day it bursts.
As with everything, the details of how you handle disagreements and arguments will differ from one couple to another, and probably over time within your own marriage. To give one example, some people want to solve a problem right this second, but that may not be helpful if one of you isn’t at your best when you’re upset. But there’s one general principle that I strongly recommend: fight fair.
What I mean by “fight fair” is to commit that you will resolve disagreements without intentionally hurting your spouse—not only physical harm but also emotional harm. It’s entirely possible to talk about problems rather than attacking the other person. “I like the windows closed at night” has immensely different impact than “You’re a weirdo to want the windows open at night.” You don’t have to avoid the other person’s actions, e.g. “When you spend money we budgeted for rent on gambling, it makes me very angry.” But note the contrast with “you fool, I hate you.” You can think of the latter comment as “hitting below the belt.”
First you have to understand what hurts your spouse—what he or she thinks is “hitting below the belt.” So, talk about this sometime, by which I mean ask your spouse and then listen sometime. This is crucial because, surprise, different insults trigger different people. For instance, a young couple I know have very different perceptions of what’s hurtful. He may say, “don’t worry, honey, you’re just brain damaged that way,” and laugh. Growing up, that’s how he and his brothers talked with each other, and they figured it was just the price of talking to someone you loved. But that comment hurts her. She sees nothing funny in telling someone they’re broken or inferior. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking that comment wouldn’t bother either of you. Fine. But I’m confident there are things you could say or do that would hurt your spouse. Maybe it’s deriding your spouse’s physical appearance or attractiveness. Maybe it’s flirting with someone else in front of them. Maybe it’s threatening violence. Just don’t do it, ever. You’ll have to commit strongly to this, because after all, when do we say things we later regret? Yeah, when we’re angry ourselves, or intoxicated, and least likely to inhibit our evil impulses. In ths vein, please note that it doesn’t completely make the hurt disappear if the next day you say sorry, you didn’t really mean it. They’ll think, and perhaps rightly, “but he was definitely thinking it at least once, and more likely he’s thinking it all the time but just holding it in.”
Sinclair Lewis dourly poked fun at our tendency to criticize each other: “Few women can for long periods keep from trying to Improve their men, and To Improve means to change a person from what he is, whatever that may be, into something else. Girls like Madeline Fox, artistic young women who do not work at it, cannot be restrained from Improving for more than a day at a time. The moment the urgent Martin showed that he was stirred by her graces, she went at his clothes, … at his vocabulary and his taste in fiction, with new and more patronizing vigor” [4].1 Don’t be Madeline Fox.
To be clear, this goal of fighting fair doesn’t mean you can never tell your spouse you’d like it if they’d lose weight, or lift weights, or lose that one T-shirt, or whatever. But there are ways to do so that don’t attack the person. Use “I statements” whenever you can. Make the issue something you can work on together. Prioritize your concerns rather than making a long list for him or her to work on. We can only handle so much criticism at a time. And if you’re wise, you’ll compliment your spouse ten or twenty times more often than you ask them to work on a flaw. There’s an old joke about a boy who grew to be ten years old and, to his parents’ great concern, had never uttered a word. Then one day at breakfast, out of the blue, he said, “The toast is burnt.”
“Son! You can talk! That’s wonderful!” After a minute of rejoicing, the parents asked him quizzically, “How come you never said anything before?”
“The toast was always fine before.”
Sadly, we all tend to be that boy, never saying anything except to criticize. If you’re out of practice complimenting your spouse, try to follow the advice of The One Minute Manager to “catch them doing something right” [1]. In other words, actively watch for things your spouse does that you can honestly praise. Doing so will also help you remember why you thought they were so wonderful when you started dating.
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At this point in the novel, Lewis is talking about a woman, but of course the comment applies equally to men.