Yagottawanna

Why do people climb mountains? It’s hard, often it’s either too cold or too hot, you have to carry anything you’re going to want, there’s not enough oxygen, and then there’s that little issue about risking injury or death. There are several good answers to this question, but for now, let’s just say that when you climb a mountain you have a chance to experience wondrous vistas that you could never appreciate without the climb. Marriage is much the same. Marriage truly can bring joys deeper than you can experience without it. It can strengthen you when weak and exalt your life or keep you humble when you are strong. On the other hand, no matter how wonderful your spouse is, and no matter how lucky you feel you are to be married to this amazing person, there will be a lot of hard days and frustrating moments. So if you want it to work, you have to really want it. More than that, you have to decide up front that you are completely committed to making it work.

We all know that principle from sports: if you don’t train and work out and study and practice, you’re not going to win. If you go into a game thinking, “I’m in as long as it’s comfortable,” you may as well admit you’re going to lose. You may not win no matter how committed you are, but if you walk in not caring if you win or lose, no one will bet on you.

OK, it’s real life, so of course there are some exceptions. If he beats you up, the marriage may be doomed, or at least you’ve got to keep yourself safe and not let him near you unless there’s a demonstrated permanent change. If she takes all your savings and runs off with the pool boy, it’s going to be hard to make that marriage work out. But many marriages fail without any such serious or dramatic injury. People get tired of their partner’s foibles and habits. They realize that their patience with their partner’s corny jokes, or off-key humming, or thermostat settings, is not so vast and generous as they supposed it would be on their wedding day. And then there are all the unexpected challenges: the less exciting halves of the phrases “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.” People have bad days. They may lose their money, or their looks, or their patience. They may be injured or get sick. You’re still married. Again, I’m not saying there’s never a breaking point. What I am saying is that if you go into this mountain climb without a firm determination that the two of you are committed to make it work even when it’s hard, you can already predict the outcome, and it’s not the one you’re hoping for.

This isn’t fatalism. It’s not a plan to suffer. It’s a recognition that anything worth having is worth sacrificing for, and I can tell you that a strong marriage is worth every bit of the sacrifice.

How do you foster this view of a marriage? Possibly your culture has taught you this already. Possibly you have friends or family with a happy marriage. It can help to plan every so often to look back together at your wedding pictures, or mementos of fun things you’ve done together. But the first step is for both of you to commit to working the rest of your lives to continually strengthen your marriage.