Quick summary of How to Fix Your Spouse#
You have to be fully committed to your marriage’s success for it to stand a chance.
Agree with your spouse that you will tackle both internal and external challenges to your marriage together.
Love is a verb: Anybody can fall in love … or fall out of love. By contrast, loving your spouse is an active choice. Put in the effort every week to strengthen your marriage: spend time alone together, have fun together, pick a good time to talk about concerns together, and perform the little acts of flirtation, love and kindness that probably accompanied your early dating.
Build firebreaks: There are a lot of temptations to lure you from staying faithful to your spouse. Plan actions that will make it easier to resist. Examples could include wearing a wedding band, or avoiding private tête-à-têtes with someone else you find attractive.
Communication really matters: You have to talk about important things: the fun and the awkward, careers, money and sex. You also have to talk about whatever you think should be unimportant but is driving you up the wall.
Fight fair: Set some ground rules about what is fair game to say and do when you’re angry, and what is “below the belt.” Then you personally stick to those rules, even when you feel your spouse just hit below the belt.
No games: Be honest with each other. Say what you mean. Don’t try to manipulate your spouse.
Get humble together: Remind yourselves, especially when you’re arguing, that maybe neither of your two preferred solutions to a problem is the optimal solution. Caring about what’s best for both of you makes it easier to back down from a “my way!” / “No, my way!” impasse. Develop habits that continually place your shared values above your selfish interests.
Sometimes it matters who’s right. Other times it’s just a personal preference. Find in advance a way to resolve disagreements when it’s the latter.
Put effort into your sex life, if for no other reason than that a spouse who enjoys sex is more likely to reciprocate. Communication and generosity are the keys here.
Don’t wait until you’re thinking about divorce to get professional help! Most problems are easier to solve early rather than late.
Take time periodically to renew your vision of what a successful marriage looks like, and why that vision delights and inspires you. Marriage can be hard, but it can also be the most rewarding part of your life.