Get humble together#
I’ve mentioned it in two previous chapters, but the two of you are going to disagree, even if you have a practically perfect marriage. The trick is not to let those disagreements sour your relationship. I see three classes of disagreements. First, there are disagreements on significant differences of values and plans. For these issues, it often matters who’s right, and you both know that. Second, there are all the moderately important things that you care about, but not as much as those in the first class. Third, there are disagreements on trivial matters that may upset you but—assuming one of you doesn’t repeatedly lose the argument—won’t divide you. These issues are not so much about who’s right as they are about personal preferences.
Here I’m providing a thought about the third class, and then a general principle that can help with all of them.
Once my wife and I were talking about some relatively unimportant decision. It was trivial enough that I don’t remember what it was, but let’s say it was whether we bought the blue car or the red car that was otherwise identical. One of us said, “I like blue.” The other said, “I really like red.” The first replied, “But I really, really, really like blue.” The other thought about it and said, “I don’t have that many ‘reallys’. Let’s go with blue.” Ever since then, when something like this comes up, we say, “let’s count reallys.” That approach works for us.
You may have a different approach. Maybe you alternate who gets to choose on things that don’t matter. Maybe you like rock, scissors, paper. What matters is that you have agreed on how to solve these issues in advance. Let me add that the solution has to be fair; if the same partner always wins, that’s not fair, and one day that unfairness will blow up in your face.
Hint
“Count reallys”: Sometimes it matters who’s right. Other times it’s just a personal preference that you both know isn’t the biggest thing in your life. Find in advance a way to resolve disagreements when it’s the latter.
Returning to the bigger picture, sometimes decisions matter very much.
Are you going into debt to start a business your spouse is excited about but you’re not?
Your spouse feels taking your children to church every week is crucial, and you don’t.
You find marijuana in your 14-year-old’s bedroom. You’re a doctor and you know cannabis is not good for teenagers’ brains, but your spouse doesn’t want to fight with your son about one more issue and potentially drive him away.
You want to retire. Your spouse doesn’t want the consequent loss of income.
You get the idea. Obviously I don’t have the answers to all these questions … and even if I did, you wouldn’t really care. You already have at least two opinions in your marriage! But I do have a suggestion I believe in strongly about how to approach these big questions.
Let me start by directing my remarks to those of you who believe God is real and cares about you, but if that’s not you, read on anyway, and I’ll come back to make it relevant to you. For several years, I served part-time as the pastor for our congregation. (We have an unpaid, lay ministry.) One of the biggest surprises to me was how many marriages were in serious trouble. Of course I knew that lots of marriages ended in divorce, and some couples were obviously in trouble just from watching them interact. What blew my mind was how many couples who from the outside seemed to have a happy marriage came in to say, “we’ve been talking about a divorce, and we agreed to talk to you first to see if there’s any way to salvage the marriage.” I would try to gather some information: what was going on, how did each of them feel about it, and so on. I tried to remind them what good there was to salvage by asking what their feelings had been when they first got engaged.
Soon I started asking them how often they prayed together as a couple. Of course I know that even pious folks don’t always pray, but we are talking here about people who were going to church every week and agreeing to talk with their pastor. Yet with only a single exception I can recall from all those couples, they blinked in surprise and said they never prayed together anymore, if they ever did. Whatever else they needed, I strongly encouraged them to kneel together every night and ask their Heavenly Father what He recommended for the two of them.
If you are not the believer (and I can’t interest you in belief ☺), here’s why I think that last paragraph is still relevant to you. In addition to the supernatural benefits of couples prayer that you don’t believe in, just consider what it means for a couple to put themselves in a physical position of humility and to ask together for solutions from someone both of them agree knows more than they do. So often he was thinking choice A was right and she was thinking choice B was the only good option, yet from the outside of the marriage it was obvious that choice C might be better than either. Once you’re arguing strenuously for choice A, though, it’s terribly easy to dig in your heels and to believe that not only is A better than B, it’s the best idea anyone has ever had. When you’re both trying to persuade your partner more than you’re trying to listen, you’re not only turning this disagreement into a fight, you’re missing out on a chance to hear a better idea. So if you don’t want to ask God, try finding someone you both can agree at least theoretically may be able to come up with a solution both of you may like better than A or B. If you’re not sure you can even agree on that, start with a professional like a marriage counselor or a psychologist. Possibly, though, you both respect her father, or your older neighbor. Talk to whoever the two of you can approach in humility, wanting to solve the problem together but also realizing that conceivably neither A nor B is the best choice.
Hint
Develop habits that continually place your shared values above your selfish interests.
Now let me say a word about timing. There’s a sad joke about Bob and Bill, who are out hunting deer. Bob accidentally shoots Bill. He grabs Bill, tosses him in his car, and drives 90 mph to the old doctor in the nearest small town. They doc looks Bill over carefully, and finally shakes his head. “There’s nothing I can do for him now.” Then he added, “Maybe if you hadn’t gutted and skinned him first. …” As I said above, most of the time when a couple would come to see me for pastoral marriage counseling, they were already at a stage when one or both of them were seriously considering divorce. Essentially, they were coming in for help with the marriage already guttted and skinned. I could try to help, but that timing was lousy. It’s a little like asking your dentist to save your tooth when it’s already rotten rather than starting to floss after she fills your first cavity. Don’t get me wrong: getting help at any stage is better than not getting help. I’m just begging you not to wait until it’s the last minute.
There’s a story about a layabout whose wife came to him during a rainstorm and asked him to fix the leaking roof. “Can’t do it in the rain,” he said, without even looking up. The next day dawned fair and she asked him again to fix the roof. “Why?” he asked. “It’s not leaking.” This is also the story of many couples with problems in their relationship. When there’s a crisis, you’re too busy, but then when there isn’t, what’s the point? Look, marriage counselors are also there for relatively healthy marriages with problems.
If you’re reading this book because of the title, there’s a good chance you want help but your spouse doesn’t. You’ve probably already told them they need help, but that approach probably won’t work. You may instead want to try, “I really want this,” or “I need this,” or even, “maybe this is working for you, but I am not happy with the direction our marriage is heading, and I want to fix it now, before it’s too late.” If none of those work, go talk to a marriage counselor yourself, and explain why you’re there alone. I guarantee it’s not the first time they’ve heard it! They should be able to find out how you and your spouse operate and give advice more specific to the two of you.