“Houston, we have a problem”#
The crew of Apollo 13 famously called mission control with this massive understatement: “Houston, we have a problem.” (Or at least they did in the movie, which dressed up the words slightly from real life.1) For my purpose here, I want to point out that they did not say, “Houston, you have a problem.” This brief quote can symbolize one of the most important messages about keeping a marriage alive.
This matters because every marriage is going to face challenges. Surprisingly, challenges to a relationship don’t necessarily become a wedge that drives you farther apart. They can also bring you closer. Think of all the movies in which two main characters are drawn together by fighting a shared challenge. But you know challenges are also a common theme in a soured relationship: “we were doing OK until X happened.” There’s a relevant passage in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. “Many had become hardened, because of the exceedingly great length of the war; and many were softened because of their afflictions, insomuch that they did humble themselves before God, even in the depth of humility” (Alma 62:41). My point is, the same problem can make different people either worse or better. So, what determines which way a challenge pushes a marriage? I believe that a key to the better outcome when a marriage faces a problem is the couple’s choice to solve the problem together.
Let’s look at an example. Say things are going OK for several years and then the wife develops severe depression. This is definitely going to be a severe challenge for both partners and consequently to the marriage. Whose problem is it? Well, people will talk about that question all day, often basing their comments on cultural assumptions about the cause of depresion to try to identify who brought this about or who could fix it. People point to stressors that society (or husbands) load women with, or to development of resilient coping skills, or to genetic load for mood disorders.2 But those talking points tend to divide the couple. But “whose problem is this” is a different question from “who caused this.” As I see it, the useful answer to “whose problem is this” looks more like “we’re going to face this together.” What does that look like in practice? Maybe she agrees to get professional care even though she feels it’s hopeless. Maybe he learns about major depression and works to be more supportive. Maybe he gets help not getting defensive when she’s short-tempered or emotionally absent. Maybe they get marriage counseling in addition to her individual psychiatric care. But they try to work together, each bending a little to do more than they might do if they were not committed to their marriage.
Another example may help illustrate why taking a problem to be “ours, not yours,” is not always obvious. Suppose a guy is just fed up because his wife keeps criticizing and belittling him. He’s increasingly thinking, “I’m about ready to give up on the whole idea of living with a shrew.” If you’re thinking that’s one-sided, you’re right. When we hear criticism, we tend to defend our pride by focusing on how it’s all the other person’s fault. And sure, she is not helping the situation by carping on his faults all day. But of course maybe he has serious problems for which he needs to accept the criticism. Suppose instead they were to sit down together in a quiet place and he were to say something like the following. “I am having a hard time here and I want to ask your help in solving what I think is a serious problem with our marriage. I hesitate to even bring it up because I’m afraid we’ll just argue about it, but we agreed that no matter what, we’d try hard to work together to solve marriage problems, so I want to do that. I don’t want to give up on this marriage, but it’s a real challenge for me.
“The thing is, I really feel hurt because it seems like every day you are telling me all the ways I am failing or letting you down. That’s really hard for me to take. To be fair, I bet I am failing. I know some things I do that bother you, and I’m sure I’m doing things that bother you that I’m not even aware of. I can work on all of that, but I need your help. Can we work together to try to turn this into something that makes our marriage stronger rather than drives us apart?” He thought about pointing out that regardless of his faults, he’s doing better than a lot of guys, but he figured that arguing about the size of his failings wouldn’t really help the discussion.
Now I’m going to guess that no matter how gently he phrases that, she may start by feeling defensive. “Seriously? You’re the one causing problems, but I’m in trouble because I’m pointing them out to you?” At least that’s a possibility. It helps if you both know that these couples chats may be difficult, but that they’re part of your commitment to each other. But there’s a solution. They both need to remember that for the marriage to work, they each are going to feel like they’re doing most of the work. They both need to realize that getting along with anyone requires some measure of humility—that in addition to standing up for and taking care of their own needs, they each need to realize that they’re human, with a flawed and probably egocentric view of the world, and furthermore that their partner needs them. He may respond, “honey, I knew this discussion was going to be difficult for both of us, but we need to work on this together.” Maybe she takes a deep breath and says, “OK, I’m feeling defensive here, but you probably are, too. I’ll try to listen to you first and then ask you to see it from my side, too.”
One more example, again to show how hard this principle can be in practice. Say a woman is concerned about her husband’s drinking. Say his drinking is leading to arguments, to missed commitments at home, and to problems at his workplace. Maybe he thinks she drives him to drink, but let’s stipulate that she has no culpability here. His alcohol abuse may well drive them apart … but it’s also just possible that in the long run it can bring them closer together. The key will be seeing it as a shared problem to work on together. Don’t misunderstand. It’s not her fault! But working on it together, if they can, is likely to benefit not only him but their marriage too. What might that look like? “How can I help?” isn’t a bad place to start. “Let’s work on this together. I can’t make you stay sober. But if you are serious about fixing this, I can help make doctor’s appointments, or try to be supportive and non-judgmental if you need someone to talk to when you’re tempted, or help you plan how to tell your friends you need them to stop offering you a drink. If you want, we can study the AA 12 steps together. I can help you identify people, places or things that make it harder to stay sober. And I could use your help stepping up when I need a break, and watching the kids when I go to Al-Anon meetings.” Of course those words may not work for another couple. Everyone’s different, and many people with an alcohol use disorder aren’t ready yet to hear any of that. She may also benefit from setting limits needed for her or her children’s safety, or for what she can tolerate without separation or divorce. A professional can be helpful. She can do all that without deciding up front that he has to fix it all himself, or that there’s no hope.
Here’s the point: in your marriage, times will definitely come when you are thinking, “how do I fix my spouse?” Those moments are precisely when it’s most important for you to remember that “we have a problem” is much more likely to find a solution than “you have a problem.”